Him (Extracts from a Fire Damaged Journal – Two)

As I write this I sometimes wonder if it were not real but just some imagination, fantasy or dream but of course deep down I know it was real even if I wish it were not. Its funny but some people say that as you remember a dream you forget it at the same time. That is the nature of this narrative. As I write it, it leaves my memory forever, or as I write each part, that part is erased. When I read back over the bits I have written I no longer have any recollection them anymore but I know them to be true and real and I still remember the parts I havent penned as yet. I wonder when I have finished the whole or the parts I know what I will have left as a vestige of this episode of my life. I both fear that loss and welcome the release to be gained from it.

There is a lot I don’t remember of that time such as his name or even exactly where it took place although it was definitely in England of that I am fairly sure. However with him confusion and faulty memory or lack of memory were party of normality. Rationalism and logic were useless and resorting to them was about the worst thing you could do to try and see what was happening. With him if you thought you had gone right you were just as likely to have gone left or even straight although you would have been convinced you had gone right. If you thought you had gone right three times, or should that be four, then you should been back where you started or almost surely? Well that rarely if ever happened and trying to understand why logically was futility itself although some fell to this.

But the odd thing is in spite of all the forgotten parts and confusion I have the deep recurring feeling that because certain parts were remembered he wanted them told. Some may think it was some weakness of his that left memories. But no it wasnt any weakness as he could have made sure nothing was left. We saw enough evidence of that not least of all with Adam, so it could only be by design.


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